The 1457 Project

Golf's Oppressive History and How to Fight Back

Jan 02, 2022

It appears the Dutch were playing a game like golf as early as the 13th century. A stick was used to hit a ball at a target. The Dutch called this unorganized game “kolf.” In an early and repugnant example of cultural appropriation, the Scottish stole “kolf” from the Dutch and renamed it “golf.”

The standardized game with an 18-hole course began at St. Andrews in 1764. However, evidence of golf’s influence can be seen as early as 1457 when the Scottish parliament, under James II, banned the game. Apparently, men were playing too much golf and couldn’t be bothered with military service (soccer – “football” for you flashy Euro-types (source: Gordon Gekko) - was banned for the same reason). The necessity of this law should have been a warning about the corrosive effects of golf…but no one listened.

The rest is history. Golf is now a multibillion-dollar global sport that is single-handedly responsible for the sports psychology industry - a leisure activity requiring psychological services. Have we lost our minds? Yes, we have. The game frustrates beyond comprehension with three-putts, shanks and snowmen in July. Players even suffer from a neurological disorder: focal dystonia, better known as “the yips.” The game periodically throws us a bone and allows for a good round, a cruel tactic also used by abusive spouses. And yet, you will see people sleeping in parking lots to get tee times so they can spend $150 to play in any weather condition necessary. If the lightning horn goes off, every player on the course will start complaining about play having to stop. “I’m going to track down the SOB that thinks we can’t play through a little lighting. What a pansy! Probably some spineless, neurotic liberal!” “Yeah! Kick his ass, Billy! And grab another six pack while you’re at it.”

How can this be? Mark Twain famously said, “golf is a good walk spoiled.” Walk? Golf has ruined marriages, careers and lives. Worse, we pay through the nose for this abuse. You can’t buy a new full set of clubs for less than $2,000. Twelve golf balls cost between $35 and $55. Good public courses can be played for $75 per round, but $200 rounds are easy to find, if you can get a tee time. And public golf is the inexpensive option. Private golf really shows how demented golfers can be. “Reasonable” clubs have initiation fees of $25 thousand and annual dues of $5 thousand, which don’t include carts or your monthly food and drink minimums. If you want to spend $100 thousand on initiation fees and $20 thousand in annual dues, there are plenty of country clubs that will provide you with an account number and wire instructions. And, yes, more expensive clubs exist.

And don’t give me any “free market” crap. Golf is an addictive product, and it is peddled to us by the media, professional golfers, teaching pros, equipment manufacturers and golf course architects. Listen to this propaganda from “Dr.” Benjamin Rush, signer of the Declaration of Independence, “Golf is an exercise which is much used by a gentleman in Scotland……A man would live 10 years the longer for using this exercise once or twice a week.”

As always, the media is responsible for the lion’s share of the propaganda. How many times have you seen Nicklaus make his birdie putt on #17 at the ’86 Masters? How many times have you seen him miss his par putt on #12? Or how about Mickelson making his birdie putt on the 72nd hole at the ’04 Masters compared to his tee shot on the 72nd hole at the ’06 U.S. Open? John Daly is glorified for winning the ’91 PGA Championship as the ninth alternate, having to drive through the night just to make his Thursday tee time. He was an unknown everyman that came from obscurity to demolish Crooked Stick, a course Jack Nicklaus described as the most difficult he’d ever played. The message to the 15-handicapper: “you could be John.” Now what about Jean van de Velde at the ’99 Open Championship? For 71 holes van de Velde was the best player in the world, leading by 3 shots as he stood on the final tee. All he had to do was make double bogey to win…and then Jean van de Velde started playing golf like Jean-Claude van Damme. Van Damme managed to roundhouse one into the grandstand, stand barefoot in water before deciding to take a penalty stroke and make a 6-footer for triple bogey to get into a playoff, which he, of course, lost. And how does the media handle golf’s version of an 80’s slasher film? “Move along. Nothing to see here.” See, John Daly is good for business; Jean-Claude van Damme isn’t. And what happened to van de Velde after the Open? He needed a sports psychologist, but none would go near him. There were rumors he was sent off to a gulag inside the Arctic Circle, but that (unsurprisingly) hasn’t been confirmed or disconfirmed.

Well, I’ve had it. I will no longer stand for this oppression. And don’t tell me it’s my fault - 560 years isn’t my fault. We’re told to speak truth to power, that silence is violence and that an injustice against one is an injustice against all. I’m done being silent and ready to speak and the injustice against me is all I need to “dismantle and reimagine” golf. Further, any objection to my opinions or demands only proves that you’re an agent of oppression.

I’ve already listed the usual oppressors but forgot to include single-digit handicappers: amateurs, yes, but good enough to piss off us weekend warriors. So don’t feign anger or compassion. You’re part of the problem. Just do what you’re told. We need allies, not saviors.

My demands are as follows:

1. A warning label on golf courses, equipment and broadcasts: “Golf may cause temporary breaks from reality and permanent psychological trauma.”

2. On the first tee of every tournament pro golfers must acknowledge their pro privilege and how they benefit from systemic golfism.

3. Compensation from equipment manufacturers if we break a club. We are oppressed and have been indoctrinated into “loving” this game and cannot be held responsible for our actions, no matter how inappropriate.

4. We’re not paying taxes anymore. Putting is a tax - the ultimate tax. Three-putting from eight feet. Putting the ball off the green. Leaving a 12-footer four feet short. Those are all taxes. We the oppressed do not need any additional harassment from the IRS.

5. The word “handicap” is offensive. “Player adjustment” is more appropriate.

6. And why the hell are handicaps made public on the Golf Handicap Information Network? We don’t publish men’s “sizes” or women’s weights. The GHIN shall be erased from existence. And the creator of that oppressive network shall be publicly shamed for an undetermined amount of time. Perhaps a #ThisIsWhatHappens campaign (“this is what happens” source: Walter Sobchak).

7. No more humility from pro golfers. Any violations of this rule will result in a $1 million fine payable to the Double-Digit Psychology Institute (DDPI). Full disclosure: I am the chairman of the DDPI and will distribute funds as I see fit. I’ve got my eye on a nice little fixer-upper on Lake Cuomo. We don’t want to hear the following:

a.       “I didn’t have my ‘A’ game today.” What’d you shoot? 75 at Oakmont? Boo f*cking hoo. Have you ever hit a 5-iron into a 350-yard par 4? If I don’t have my “A” game, I don’t have to worry about fixing more than two or three pitch marks in a round. Try my “D” game on for size and see how you like that.
b.       “I made too many mistakes today.” “Mishitting” a 7-iron from 195 yards and leaving yourself 30 feet for birdie is not a mistake. Blading a wedge over the green and having to yell “fore!” as your ball rockets towards the group on the next tee, that’s a mistake.
c.       “You know, golf is a tough game.” Unless you’ve pretended to be disappointed after shooting 92, you have no idea what tough is. Save your “tough game” garbage for the plus handicap crowd. Excuse me, the plus player adjustment crowd.
d.       “My swing didn’t feel good today.” Today? My swing hasn’t felt good since the Balata era. I’ll give you some free lessons and you can see what it feels like to have days stretch into decades.

These demands are non-negotiable and reasonable given the scale and severity of golf’s oppressiveness. Additionally, I’m reserving the right to amend or add to the list whenever the hell I want. And if I don’t feel like justifying those changes, you oppressors will just have to deal with it. I’m done empathizing with you people. Hell hath no fury like a hacker scorned.

And finally, don’t let Jim Nantz’s buttery voice or Sir Nick Faldo’s knighthood fool you. They are complicit in this indoctrination. Golf is “fun,” not “infuriating.” The game is “challenging,” not “maddening.” Golf “builds character,” not “causes mental illness.”

And like all authoritarians, Nantz and Faldo do not tolerate dissent. Hours after this column has been posted, Nantz and Faldo will carry out a Black Ops raid of my residence and take me off to the Faldo Golf Institute (read: reeducation camp) where I will be reindoctrinated on the glory of the game. And as a final slap in the face: golf lessons to lower my player adjustment from 16 to 14, reigniting my delusion that I could one day play on Tour or at least in a Pro-Am and not embarrass myself. I will reemerge reformed as an inmate of the game, denouncing everything I previously said or wrote. You’ll call me a fraud bamboozled by the bright lights and empty promises of kolf.

Renaissance Rants Man

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