Driving Masked Liberal
I got a Lib-otomy. Here's what happened.
In late November I transitioned into a liberal. The purpose was to experience the liberal mind firsthand. Simply reading and observing the usual suspects is effective, but there is no substitute for experience. The process for transitioning is called a Lib-otomy. It’s a complex and time-consuming procedure, so I won’t get into the details here, but it’s free – paid for by the DNC – and can be done at any college, Apple store or EV charging station.
Here’s what happened…
I was triple-masked, driving on the highway and my car was pulling to the left. My car seemed to be out of alignment. What I could have done was take it to the mechanic and get an alignment. Instead, I decided to dismantle and reimagine driving altogether. I ditched the car and decided to walk everywhere – no alignment issues to deal with there. Walking everywhere took longer, but the real problem was that I kept passing out from oxygen deprivation. As a liberal I had to be triple-masked, which is more inconvenient than chic.
The additional walking resulted in a broken leg, so I walked to the hospital. The ambulance could have had an alignment problem. At the emergency room I was given pain killers. The doctor recommended surgery to fix my broken leg, but I declined and demanded a lifetime supply of painkillers. I figured treating the symptom was good enough; the problem doesn’t exist if the symptom is treated adequately.
With no car and a painless broken leg, it was more difficult to get around. So, I started day-trading the stock market. I made two friends: Mike and Carl and we decided to have an investing contest in December 2021. I bought Tesla (TSLA), Mike bought Monster (MNST) and Carl bought Callaway (ELY). We each bought $1,000 worth of stock.
The first few days were fine because we were all losing money – relative, not absolute, returns are what matter. But oppression began showing its teeth on December 7th (see chart). I was the only one with negative returns; Mike and Carl were stomping me out. By Christmas I had company. Carl and I were in the red, down 2.3% and 8.1%, respectively. Mike, that greedy, heartless bastard, was up 11.0%. By the end of the month Carl and I were down and Mike had made 13.6%. Our cumulative investment of $3,000 had a positive return of $38, or 1.3%. The phenomenon was confusing because Marx told us that economic activity is zero-sum.
Using my liberal thinking cap, I knew something had to be done about Mike. Carl and I formed a cabal and began pressuring our congressmen and senators for more wealth redistribution. It is clear Mike cheated or stole or did something that requires punishment. As soon as Mike is dealt with, Carl is next on my list. That piker only lost $8; I lost $90.
I now have no car and a broken leg and am $90 the poorer. I decided to join a social justice group to lift my spirits. We became miffed when our city announced it would reinstate accelerated classes in public schools. Accelerated classes are racist and can make some students feel uncomfortable. We decided looting and calling it “protesting” was the best course of action. I put on my “I’m a Woke Liberal’ t-shirt, which gave me criminal and civil immunity. I’m not stealing; I’m fighting social injustice. While “protesting,” I gave myself a five-finger discount on a Rolex Daytona (the store only had the Oystersteel version, so I had to slum it). A police officer was about to arrest me, but I reminded him that protesting is protected by the 1st Amendment and that, as my shirt noted, I’m a woke liberal. Conservatives riot. Liberals protest. I was able to pawn the Daytona for $8 thousand and felt a little better about my losses in the stock market. But my joy quickly turned to rage as I read an article saying that the IRS requires income from illegal activities (even looting) to be reported as taxable income. It seems that would violate my rights under the 5th Amendment, but I’m no Constitutional scholar. Anyway, how would the IRS know whether that Rolex was protested from a store or given to me by a rich aunt? What if my aunt owned the Rolex store? Or maybe I had gift card. But no matter. I was fighting social injustice.
In between day-trading and looting, I did some online research of the different types of liberals. There are two: poser liberals and militant liberals. A militant liberal constantly surveils other liberals. One method is endlessly changing approved language. For example, is it “implicit bias” or “unconscious bias?”. A poser liberal would need to consult other liberals. A militant liberal knows it’s the opposite of what a conservative says it is. Most people think this language jujitsu is done to piss off conservatives. Most people are wrong. The real reason is to expose poser liberals who just want to “say the right things” but aren’t the militant types that are needed to dismantle and reimagine the country.
I wanted to dive deeper into liberal language manipulation and went to a liberal language seminar. The topic of discussion was what to call a Marxist. The nature and history of Marxism requires constantly denying that one is a Marxist, hence descriptors like communist, socialist, progressive, Democratic socialist, etc.
A war room was set up at the seminar to spitball ideas. The issue that kept coming up is the increasing government control of American life. If the government is going to provide free healthcare, free college, free daycare, etc., “distribution decisions” will have to be made (note: “distribution decisions” is code for “rationing decisions,” but that term was struck from the record and its use is no longer tolerated in liberal circles.) It was decided that “human ethicist” will be the new, softer nomenclature for “Marxist.” If, by February 1, 2022, you hear a liberal use any other term than “human ethicist” to describe themselves, you’ll know you’re dealing with a poser liberal, not an all-in, Chris Hayes liberal.
One of the most enlightening conversations I had at the seminar was with a true militant liberal. He educated me on several liberal political tactics. The most memorable was how liberals can simply declare anything “racist.” Since an accusation of racism is a conviction of racism, this is a powerful tool. For example, liberals have declared logic and objectivity racist, so they are. Therefore, logic and objectivity cannot be used as a counter argument to liberal policies – the Holy Grail of political discourse.
My new anonymous militant liberal friend demanded that I “up my liberal game” by becoming a regular viewer of The View, so I did. The January 10th episode touched on New York City allowing non-citizens to vote in local elections. The issue was whether citizenship should be required to vote, but the co-hosts quickly steered the argument in convenient directions. Ana Navarro said the policy should be avoided because it gives too much ammunition to conservative talking heads, who can then spin yarns of election corruption. Ana is less concerned with voting laws and more concerned with how conservatives will react to voting laws. Sunny Hostin used a different angle of attack. She argued that our immigration system is broken, so allowing non-citizens to vote is justifiable. In other words, if you don’t like the immigration system, citizenship should not be required to vote. Of course, many conservatives don’t like the immigration system and many of those same conservatives believe citizenship should be required to vote. But no matter, if a liberal paints themselves into a corner, we can just drop an R-bomb and the discussion is over.
For the first time since my transition, I remembered that I didn’t ask if the procedure is reversible. But would I transition back if given the opportunity? Walking everywhere and triple-masking is inconvenient, but being a liberal protester sure has its benefits. And anytime my policy proposals have been shown to be asinine, I can just scream “racism!” I don’t have to call myself a Marxist, I’m a human ethicist. Surely such a person cannot be condemned.
Of course, if I was a true liberal, I wouldn’t even consider transitioning back to a conservative. Did the procedure work as intended? Is there a difference between getting a Lib-otomy and being born a liberal, kind of like vampires?
In Interview with the Vampire, (spoiler alert) it’s revealed in the end that Tom Cruise’s character, thought dead, lived to bite Christian Slater’s character. Perhaps I’m supposed to convert conservatives and libertarians into liberals. It appears there is no going back for me. So, if you are a non-liberal and want to remain so, don’t let me hoodwink you into a “meeting” at an Apple store or EV charging station.
Cordially,
Renaissance Rants Man